Boys Who Cry

A man must stand straight and tall. He must be a role model for his peers. His emotions are to remain a general mystery, but he may show satisfaction, disappointment and anger. He may not be excessively joyous, overly expressive or show weakness in character. If a man does so, he is not a man and consequently not manly. Dropping his façade has the previous consequence. Therefore, crying is weak.

Men accepted these terms as young boys without reading the fine print because their parents tell them to “choke back those tears, you’re a man” and these “men” can suffer for it.

But a woman may give hugs and kisses, she can give compliments to friends, she can talk about her feelings and she may cry without anyone thinking less of her. She may express herself freely and will not be judged for it. She accepted these terms without having to read the fine print, because she’s a woman.

It’s a well-known fact that males cry less than females after elementary school. On average, men cry 1.4 times in a month while women cry about 5.3 times per month, almost four times as much (Brodesser-Akner). Yet guys have the same emotional awareness as girls, but just don’t express it.  They have to play it cool so that they aren’t seen as weak or vulnerable.

The root of the problem lies in the image of an ideal man, a strong, independent individual. The hunter, the Renaissance man, the working man. One “man” quotes that “crying and expressing feelings shows helplessness. Men are leaders and are meant to be. So they can not show that they are helpless.”

I have never thought of males as the dominant gender. I grew up with just one parent, my father who played both roles. He cooked and cleaned and worked while raising two baby boys and two adolescent girls. My mother was my father and my father was still my father. There was never such a thing as a housewife in my home. It made sense to me that boys and girls would cry and express themselves in equal amounts.

So, as I entered elementary school, I thought it was natural to cry when one was hurt. I cried more often than other kids, but I was okay with that, and so were other kids for the time being. But as I grew older, I was repeatedly told that men don't cry and asked if I was a man, which I would always respond "yes." It seemed the natural thing to say, considering I was a boy, not a long stretch from a man.

But the issue wasn't that I was going to kindergarten and crying, I was a boy and I was crying.

I needed an outlet for fear, sadness, pain, anxiety, anger and I found it in crying, instead of building it up for weeks and releasing it in a fit of anger. “If you don’t learn how to work with your emotions, you’re a shadow figure, a small truncated version of yourself. It’s only a matter of time until the house of cards that you are falls apart,” says psychologist Kenneth Christian.

So guys, show your emotions. Cry when you need to, laugh when you want to, but, most of all, don’t be afraid. Every person has their fears and doubts, especially men, because of a standard society sets for them, but that shouldn’t stop them. Now, more than ever, is the time for expression of our emotions from happiness to confusion to anger to sadness, so have a good cry someday.